I am an overweight, unfit female of far too many years to mention. I look at myself sometimes and wonder how this happened. I know we were all young fit and fabulous once but I still want to be! I long for the time when riding my horse didn’t mean hiring a crane just to get me onboard and eating a cream bun didn’t land me in the hospital emergency room with gall bladder problems!

Oh yes this happened and to add insult to injury a very young female doctor told me I was a prime suspect because I was over forty, over weight, no longer fertile and female, Bugger! The four F's I wanted to add an F of my own but I managed to restrain myself. Actually restraint didn’t come into it. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even think. 

The reason I’m telling you all this is because after years of falling in and out of love, many broken hearts thinking life wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, a long marriage and years of bringing up children, at last something has happened that can and hopefully will change my life again and point me in yet another direction. Who said life was dull? It happened a week ago when the phone rang and a man asked to speak to Ms (I really liked that!)  Amelia Grange.

I had never really travelled anywhere outside my home town so the prospect of travelling to a place called Latvia was rather daunting. Christ, I didn't really even have a damn suitcase...much less the idea of filling one with a room full of stuff that I probably wouldn't even need anyway!

The caller had told me that the travelling costs had been taken care of and all that I really needed to do was get on the plane and travel to this strange place. This could be quite an adventure, I thought to myself. Also, a car was going to pick me up and take me to the airport - in the next few hours. It was clear that time was clearly a consideration when it came to my great aunt.

As I was looking around my room and what I should think about taking, my eye caught the small picture I have of my great aunt from many years go. She was a bit of an old grand dame in her own selfless way but I couldn't help but think she looked unusually sinister.

I didn't have long to ponder - before I knew it a car horn sounded outside and it was time to go. It was now or never. Without further ado I crammed a handful of knickers and bras into an overnight bag, followed by my best flannellette pyjamas - the red ones with the black and white spotty dogs on them - and my swimsuit and floral bathing cap (how the hell do I know what the weather's doing in Latvia?) I dropped a pinch of fish flakes in for Samson and Delilah and felt a momentary flash of guilt that next time I sighted them they'd probably be bloated floaters.

Oh well...

I locked the door and hurried down the front stairs. A fancy black car stood waiting at the gate. The driver, in suit and cap, held the door open for me. He bowed his head solemnly as I approached. I felt rather smart. I glanced back up at the windows to see if the neighbours were watching.

At the security gate a ridiculously large slab of man pointed at my overnight bag, at my shoes, and at the luggage conveyer belt. I opened my mouth to enquire of him exactly what contraband or weapon of mass destruction he imagined might be contained in my rather shabby vinyl lace ups, but something about his iron set jaw and prtruding brow warned me to refrain. Obediently and with great effort I bent down to unlace my shoes.

Of course, I had not seen my feet from a standing position in close to a decade, let alone attempted to access them, so the result was something of a debacle. For the second time that day, and to the apparent amusement of literally hundreds of onlookers I lost my balance and tipped headlong to the ground. As my face rapidly approached the magnificently polished floor I tried to recall exactly which knickers I had chosen to wear that morning. I felt that this was quite important as the majority of passengers waiting to board my flight were at this very moment...

Gladly I took hs arm. Quite frankly, the way this day was progressing, it was clearly advisable to hold on to something with a more stable equilibrium than my own.

"Where are you off to?" he enquired.

I gazed into his crystal blue eyes. His face was tanned and his teeth looked like something out of a toothpaste commercial. His smell made me think of the ocean... and yachts... and champagne...

"Ma'am?"

"Pardon?"

"Where are you going? Which gate?"

"Oh... yes... umm..." I fumbled for my boarding pass. "Gate twenty one. I'm going to Latvia."

"Latvia?" I vaguely heard him through the song which played in my mind - Do you like pina coladas... Gettin caught in the rain...

"Why yes, as a matter of fact. Robert Grange. And you are?" Goddamn. He was charming to boot.

"Amelia Grange. On my way to visit Aunt Edna at her request."

"Really? What a coincidence!" He pondered for a moment, then - "Tell me, have you ever met Edna?"

The fridge incident flashed before my eyes. Upon consideration I decided it was best left unsaid. Better to allow Robert to form his own impressions. "Er - no..."

We reached the gate in time to hear the final boarding call. We hurried down the tunnel and onto the plane to find that as luck - or Edna - would have it we were seated together.

After a time I dozed off. I'm not entirely sure how long I was out, but when I awoke I found my head resting on Robert's shoulder. Embarrassed, I quickly sat upright, and as I did a long strand of drool stretched from the corner of my mouth to Robert's sweater. On closer inspection I noticed that he actually had quite a collection of drool down his arm.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. "I am sorry" I said. I picked up a napkin and attempted to wipe away the offending drool. It seemed to have hardened. It must have been there for some time.

"Yes. Well..." Robert replied, somewhat tight-lipped. Relations between us seemed to be cooling significantly. Which is the usual course of my interactions with - well - almost everybody.

We spent the rest of the flight in an uneasy silence. Perhaps we were both thinking the same thing - only one of us could inerit the Grange fortune - which one of us would it be?

After changing flights in Rome we arrivd at Riga International Airport. It must have been early morning in Riga - I could tell by the crow of the rooster which strutted beneath the stairs as we descended onto the runway. We pushed our way through a small herd of mountain goats and made our way towards the terminal.

"Look - " said Robert. "Over there - "

I followed his gaze to where an elderly woman wearing a somewhat grotty woollen kirtle, a headscarf, very sensible shoes and a toothless grin stood holding an untidy handwritten sign which read:

"GrUnGE."

"Do you think she means us?" I asked Robert. I smiled and waved politely.

The old woman pointed towards the horse drawn cart she had parked at the front of the terminal and motioned for us to get in.

Robert and I were thrown backwards into a mound of straw as the old lady let out an almighty crack of the whip - causing the poor old horse to spring into motion. It seemed the old bag of bones had some life in him after all! By now I had completely lost count of the number of times throughout this journey that I found myself upside down. I was no longer embarrassed. Robert, too, seemed resigned as, yet again, he assisted me into an upright position.

We bumped and jolted our way through the cobbled streets of Riga for what seemed like hours. Just when I thought the incessant chattering of my teeth might actually cause tem to crack apart we emerged onto a smooth dirt road, and lush green countryside stretched out as far as the eye could see in every direction. I was content to sit back and take in the scenery, but Robert appeared to be becoming quite agitated.

"Where the bloody hell are we?" he muttered.

Strangely, the horse appeared to move further and further ahead of the cart, and I realised with horror the cause of this apparent illusion. Somehow the old cart had become dislodged from its trusty steed - who had now given up on any pretence of attatchment and was now grazing calmly in a field.

"CRIPES!" hollered Robert.

"Lord have mercy!" I exclaimed.

The Grunge woman simply turned to us and shrugged her shoulders as though this were a regular, albeit unfortunate, occurrence.

"What a lovely house" I thought, as the cart smashed into the enormous front stairs, shattering on impact and hurtling its occupants inelegantly skyward.

Then once again I found myself upside down with my legs in the air and my knickers flashing in the wind. 

I looked around to see what the others were doing, Robert was lying very still on the ground and Aunt Edna, was getting up. I call her Aunt because despite all the traumas that had befallen this sorry group I really was growing quite fond of the old crow.

"Get up!" Edna yelled at me. I don't know why she was doing that it wasn't my fault the horse had gone or the cart had fallen apart.

"Look at Robert"  she cried. I did and was a bit scared to see that he still hadn't moved. I picked myself up and moved towards him, he was very still, Oh God please don't tell me he was really hurt, we would never get an ambulence out here.

He moaned! 

" Oh My God"   I shouted " not you as well?" He looked at me blankly " What are you talking about?"

"She hired me as well" I explained " I can't blame you for being cranky, this isnt really me you know"

"What are you talking about?" He repeated. I laughed and pulled off the very uncomfortable rubber face mask I had been putting on every morning. "Look at me," I yelled at him. He did and I have to say his expression was classic. If I liked the saying I would have said he was gob smacked, but I hape it. He was however standing there with his mouth wide open and a small smile started to creep across his face. " Fuck! you're not bad looking are you?" I laughed. "Your're not bad yourself" I said laughing.

"But what the hell is this all about?" 

" Well lets ask Edna"